THE GIL BAKER ARTI-FAQ

THE TRUE BIOGRAPHY OF AN ARTIST IS IN HIS BODY OF WORK. BUT EVERYBODY ASKS INCIDENTALS, SO HERE GOES. MY ANCESTRY IS PRETTY MUCH BAVARIAN, WITH SOME WANDERING DANISH DIPPED IN. AN ENGLISH STRAIN WINDS THROUGH THE "COKAYNE FAMILY" (!) BACK TO WILLIE THE CONQUEROR. I'M SOMEHOW RELATED TO MILOS CRNJANSKI, THE SERBIAN POET - NOVELIST. BET HE DIDN'T SEE ME COMING. COME TO THINK OF IT, ALL OF MY LINES PRETTY MUCH VANISH UP TO ULTIMA THULE : I SHOULD BE TALLER. I CAME TO BE IN A MINOR CITY CALLED NEWARK, OHIO, WHICH IS PRETTY SPOOKY, DOMINATED BY HUGE PREHISTORIC INDIAN BURIAL MOUNDS. WE USED TO THRASH OUR BIKES UP AND DOWN THEM, WHICH IS PROBABLY LIKE A GLOBALIST FELONY ONE OR SOMETHING NOW. I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT ORSON SCOTT CARD SET HIS CLIMAX TO RED PROPHET ON MY OLD BMX OCTAGON TRACK.

MY TWO-YEAR-OLD TEMPER-TANTRUMS WERE SO VIOLENT, INVOLVED DRUMMING, AND REVEALED SUCH PRODIGIOUS ANGER- INSPIRED STRENGTH, THAT MY FAMILY NICKNAMED ME "BAMM-BAMM." IN ANOTHER TWO YEARS, MY BLUEGRASS-MAD FATHER DISCOVERED THAT I COULD WIELD A WICKED LEFTY PRESCHOOL BANJO. HE TRIED TO SHOP ME AT VARIOUS VFW HALLS, BUT I NEVER GOT A LABEL, DAMMIT.

AT AGE FIVE, THE LOCAL BLOCK TERROR--AN OLDER KID FATED TO BECOME A CATHOLIC PRIEST--SHATTERED THE BONE IN MY LEFT INDEX FINGER DURING A PRANK. THE BONE POPPED RIGHT OUT OF THE SKIN--SNIKKT !! I WENT THROUGH ABOUT SEVENTEEN SURGERIES AND A FLY-IN SPECIALIST, THE ALTERNATIVE BEING TO NIX THE FINGER. (THIS WOULD HAVE COMPLETED MY IDENTIFICATION WITH CARTOON CHARACTERS!) I GOT BLOOD POISONING AND MIGHT HAVE DIED, EXCEPT FOR EVIDENCE OF AN ADVANCED HEALING FACTOR. HOWEVER, I SPENT SO MUCH TIME IN A CAST THAT I SWITCHED HANDEDNESS: A PLURALITY OF CHIRALITY! I'VE BEEN PASSING FOR RIGHT EVER SINCE. YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED ME BUMPING INTO THINGS.

IN GRADE SCHOOL I WAS QUICKLY TARRED AS DYSLEXIC AND ADDH. YOU KNOW THE DRILL. RITALIN WAS NEVER MY  CUPO. I WAS LIKE A WILD LITTLE ANIMAL, AND LITTLE WAS UNDERSTOOD ABOUT GREEN CAFFEINATED DRINKS IN THOSE DAYS. I WAS CONAN THE OPPROBARIAN TO THE CLASSROOM WORLD. I KEPT GETTING INTO FIGHTS AND EXPLODING OVER ANY FRUSTRATION. I WILL TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO SQUELCH THE RUMORS THAT I PLAYED TANNER BOYLE IN THE ORIGINAL BAD NEWS BEARS. AFTER I ATTACKED A TEACHER, I WAS ALMOST FOSTER-FARMED AWAY AS THE MOST EVIL SEVEN YEAR OLD EVER.

LUCKY FOR ME I DISCOVERED THAT CARTOONING WAS THE APPROPRIATE EXPRESSION FOR MY RAGE. I ALSO DISCOVERED STOCKBOY MIKE, WHO INTRODUCED ME TO THE SALVING HERB, AMONG OTHER THINGS. DON'T WORRY--I NEVER INGESTED ANYTHING THE AVERAGE DOGTOWNER WOULDN'T. FAST FORWARD TO FIFTEEN, AND THERE'S VIDEO OF ME COMPLETELY STONED, WHIRLING IN THE MIDDLE OF A GYMNASIUM, ON A GIANT MONOPOLY BOARD. DON'T ASK. --AND OF COURSE I AM COMPLETELY REFORMED NOW!!

MY REP AS A TEENAGE MALCONTENT WAS SEALED INTO THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES WHEN I BECAME, AT SEVENTEEN, LIKE THE ONLY PERSON EVER TO PUBLICLY PISS OFF "GENTLE" JIM HENSON. I CRASHED A PREVIEW OF THE DARK CRYSTAL IN CHICAGO, AND KEPT PESTERING HENSON IN THE Q&A TO COUGH UP THE CASH COST. FINALLY, WITH GRITTED TEETH, HE SNARLED, "BETWEEN 20 AND 40 MILLION!" BIG 'TWEEN! EVEN I KNEW NOT TO GO UP AND GIVE HIM MY ORSON WELLES MOOK WHEN THE AUTOGRAPH PORTION ROLLED AROUND. 

I MADE BETTER FRIENDS WITH SCOTT O'DELL A FEW YEARS LATER. O'DELL WAS THE NEWBERRY-BESTREWN AUTHOR OF ISLAND OF THE BLUE DOLPHINS. HE ALSO WROTE THE KING'S FIFTH, WHICH I DETERMINED WAS THE ROOT OF THE ANIME CLASSIC, THE MYSTERIOUS CITIES OF GOLD. WHEN I WROTE HIM ASKING ABOUT THE ADAPTATION, IT TURNED OUT HE HAD NO IDEA ANY CARTOON EXISTED. WHOOPS! THE THING WAS YANKED OFF NICKELODEON IN ABOUT TWO WEEKS. SORRY, KIDS! O'DELL GAVE ME OODLES OF ADVICE AND INSIGHT INTO WRITING AND THE PUBLISHING BUSINESS.

MY FAVORITE COMICS IN BOYHOOD WERE BATMAN, KAMANDI, AND HOT STUFF THE LITTLE DEVIL. I STILL COLLECT 20¢-ERA DC'S. MY FAVORITE CARTOONISTS ARE ALEX TOTH AND JESUS BLASCO. --YEH, I ALREADY KNOW THAT I DON'T DRAW JUST LIKE THEM. MY FAVORITE COMICS WRITER IS ALAN MOORE, WHO IS THE REAL THING. MY LEAST FAVORITE WRITERS ARE EVERYBODY ELSE TRYING TO BE HIM. MY FAVE MOVIE IS--THE DARK CRYSTAL! MY FAVE FAST FOOD IS THE DOUBLE-DOUBLE, ANIMAL STYLE, FROM IN-N-OUT BURGER. MY FAVORITE COLOR IS RED, I WEAR SIZE 12-13 SHOES, AND WHAT I LOOK FOR IN A GIRL, TIGER BEAT, IS--BRIGITTE BARDOT !!

I'VE LIVED IN OHIO, CHARLESTON, SC AND HAWTHORNE, CALI. I GAVE UP MOTORCYCLES AT NINETEEN AFTER A DANGEROUS CASE OF TREE-POISONING. I USED TO HAVE A SWEET SURFER-STYLE VAN, BUT TRADED IT FOR THE PONY CAR. I DRINK THE SAME BEER MY DAD USED TO; THERE MUST BE SOME MEANING IN THAT. I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING MORE TO SAY, EXCEPT, TO EVERYONE I HAVE TEASED TOO HARD OR HURT THEIR FEELINGS, MY APOLOGIES. IF I HAVEN'T GOTTEN AROUND TO HURTING YOU YET, APPLY TOPICALLY WHEN NEEDED. MANGE TAK!!

THE SAYINGS OF CHAIRMAN GIL

"The distribution of information implies a hierarchy!"
(Hey, to got me an 'A' in Poli-Sci!)

"But it's not finished!"

"Absolutely. Kinda. Sorta."

"Um.............sorry."

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Here's where I hafta say a few gratitudes to all the people that helped get this thing going. To Wei, for the original website design now pretty much palimpsested out; to Justin for keeping the computer running; to Chris for code changes as new necessities arrived; to Nicole and Betsy for letting me burn down their scanners; to Denise for photographic assist; to Daichi for insights; to Doug & Cori for giving me a place to crash inbetwixt my globe-trots; to Captain Bret for painting the world's best lead miniatures and showing me how to bogart a cop's gun out of his holster during a struggle; to Wayne & Larry for clueing me in to Bubblegum Babylon tales that VH-1 will never dare breathe; to M&M for helping me figure out complex anatomical posturings (my shortcomings are no fault his); latest but not last to Jake for interlocuteering and Ryan for the retool & relaunch. Excelsior !! (Hey, ain't that them Styrofoam peanuts?)

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